BDSM Blog Hop: Behind Closed Doors: When You’re A Closet Player

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I remember the first time I realized that I was kinky. I was reading a romance novel and discovered that the part that turned me on was probably NOT the one the writer intended to make hot. The scene was almost entirely non-consensual and involved restraints. (Johanna Lindsey’s “Prisoner of My Desire“) I stayed in the closet and never expressed my desires for someone to pull my hair, tie me up or take control. I think my repressed desires played a role in the failure of my first marriage but there were most definitely other factors involved.
Then, I met my current husband.
He is a Dominant with a capital D though he doesn’t wear leather and he’s never used a cat-o’-nine tails. He dominates through other means, punishing in various wicked ways that may not look very kinky outside the bedroom. The fact is that he is a sexual Dominant and keeps all his kink behind the bedroom door. We’re not members of a community together (though I joined FetLife with his permission) and we don’t do Munches or Gatherings. He has, as my Dominant, been firm about my interactions in kink communities, not because he’s afraid I’ll stray, but because he’s very possessive of what he considers his. We’ve discussed “sharing” and decided it’s not for us.
So, with all that background, does that make us part of the “Lifestyle”? Does that mean we can speak about Dominance and subnmission even though we practice our kink behind the bedroom door? I think so. I’ve gravitated toward writing BDSM romance because I love to read it and I love to do it.
Mostly, I’d like to point out that the BDSM community is even larger than some people might think. There are a ton of us who practice our form of kink-whether it be role playing fantasies, Dominance/submission, or whatever. We are, perhaps, more private about our sexual lives, but anyone who knows me and my husband would spot the dynamic between us in a heartbeat. It permeates every aspect of our lives. That’s us. There’s tons of people who don’t reveal the true nature of their kinky connection at all.
I once knew a friend who I would have categorized as “normal” or “equal” in her sexual dealings with her husband. But once I’d started to research more and talked about what I write more, I discovered that she liked to tie the love of her life to the bed post and whip him with a belt.
It opened my eyes. If you’re anything like me, you read about BDSM clubs and Dominants who train submissives and all those wonderful juicy stories that get my blood flowing in all the right directions. But it’s so much more than that. It’s the twisted key that finds the right lock and the results is doors that are flung open wide revealing new dimensions and new landscapes.
Joey W. Hill had a quote in her latest book that I’ll steal to make my point. It’s by Marcel Proust.
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
Wherever your voyage is taking you, I hope that you find “new eyes” to see the possibilities, to find the connection no matter what your secret desires might be. The one thing I’ve learned most of all is that no matter where my journey takes me, I am never alone. There are always those who have gone before me, who know how I feel, who have been where I’ve been. That knowledge has helped me in those times I felt I didn’t belong or I was too weird, too oddball, too different.
I’m giving away a copy of my latest release “Declaration To Submit”. I’ll pick a random winner on July 13 from anyone who comments and answers this question:
What’s your favorite kinky book and how did it impact you?

JL_DeclarationToSubmit_coverlg

When Nell signed her employee agreement, she was fascinated by the fraternization clause that opened a door to her fantasies that she couldn’t shut. In a moment of weakness, she demands clarification and finds herself under contractual obligation to her new boss, Mark Conners.

Mark has wanted Nell Armstrong as much as he wanted to takeover the company she worked for. Once he acquired her place of employment, he planned to charm her into a kinky partnership that would satisfy them both. But she dropped to her knees and he accepted her declaration to submit. Things get serious and their fragile trust in each other is tested as they face a company problem that is deeper than either of them could imagine. Mark must find a way to forgive those in his past to have a future with the woman he’s grown to love.

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9 Comments

Filed under BDSM, blogging, Great Books

9 responses to “BDSM Blog Hop: Behind Closed Doors: When You’re A Closet Player

  1. I have so many favorite kinky books but am in a very vanilla marriage…I love darker BDSM books (Candace Blevins and Annabel Josheph are some of my darker authors) but read all levels of kink. One of my favorites in Submissive Desires by Carolyn Faulkner.
    Susanmplatt at hotmail dot com

  2. bn100

    Don’t have a fav; haven’t really read them

    bn100candg at hotmail dot com

  3. Jennifer,

    Thank you for pointing out that you don’t have to be visible in your leather/BDSM-D/s lifestyle communities to life the lifestyle. I think many people don’t realize the lifestyle is 90% mental and that they don’t have to belong/attend the munches, parties, or member only BDSM clubs to gain fulfillment from this type of lifestyle.

    As for a favorite… I don’t really have one since I am very critical of how BDSM-D/s is portrayed in fiction. After living this lifestyle for 18 yrs, it is annoying and frustrating to me to read inaccurate BDSM scenes in fiction.

    I will say that one of the best books I have read recently is Cat Grant’s Guarded (m/m). There are breath play scenes in the book that are extremely accurate (I know because this is a type of play my hubby and I are into) and the emotional aspect of both the Dom & sub and this type of play is written extremely well.

  4. kesummer69

    Too funny reading your post about Johanna Lindsey I was much like you, reading Johanna Lindsey, Catherine Coulter, and all sorts of other “tamer” authors. About 4 years ago I discovered my “kink.” I love darker BDSM books, Kitty Thomas, Skye Warren, Annabel Joseph, etc.

    kesummer69(at)gmail(dot)com

  5. I’m going to go take a cold shower now. Does that mean I’m a dirty ho? LOL

  6. sherry1969

    I’ve only read a couple of books so I don’t have a favorite book yet. I’m still looking.
    sstrode at scrtc dot com

  7. I´ve got so many kinky fav´s I can´t just name one book =) Love Joey W Hill, Cherise Sinclair, Laurann Dohner among others. My last read? The Seduction by Roxy Sloane, that was one hot, short read.
    Love your input.
    Happy Sunday!
    //Linda

  8. Jen

    Thanks everyone for coming by!! The winner is kesummer69!!! I’ll email you for a copy of “Declaration to Submit”.

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