13 Reasons I Can’t Be A Waitress

Now many of you know that I don’t like my evil day job that much. (UNDERSTATEMENT) Yesterday, I got to thinking about the alternatives, which led to thinking about my work history (SQUIRREL) which led to these thirteen thoughts.

1. I have a horrible memory
When I was a waitress, I was young and had half a brain still. Even then, I couldn’t remember whether someone wanted Scrambled or Over Easy. Good luck with that now!
2. I’m Clumsy
In my early years, I was a that waitress who dropped stuff, spilt stuff and dropped iced tea on customers. I once broke an entire flat of champagne glasses.
3. Wardrobe Malfunction
These issues plague me regularly. It is MUCH different dealing with a Wardrobe Malfunction when I’m sitting in an office chair than when I’m carrying five full plates.
4. Side Work
Have you ever walked into a restaurant at some off hour and seen no patrons yet wondered why the waitress/server was so damn busy? Side work. This is the torture of filling ketchup bottles, sugar containers, syrup dispensers. It’s the constant replacement of supplies to make sure the next shift goes smoothly. I sucked at it.
5. Tips
I could earn these elusive items. Yet, I could never keep track. I was often too preoccupied with side work to remember which table gave me what.
6. Taxes
Those tips earned used to be free, a “gratuity” in a gesture of “good job”. Now, it’s taxed, considered income regardless of whether you get stiffed or not. It sucks. No thank you.
7. Lunch
With my current job, I have an hour. It’s an honest to God hour. As a waitress, I was lucky to get 30 minutes. It was usually interrupted and rarely quiet. Often, I ate whatever the restaurant served (except for the Greek Restaurant who charged an arm and a leg for crap food) and that wasn’t always fun. I prefer the lunches I have thank you.
8. Breaks
If I was lucky and got a break, I usually barely had time to suck down the cigarrette that the job drove me to. LOL! No, but seriously. Breaks were a luxery.
9. Pay
It’s always amazed me that we, as human beings, pay so little to those who provide basic stuff. People like nurses, teachers, food servers, farmers get chump change while CEOs who do nothing but stress and bitch are paid huge amounts of money. The pay to serve food to people is WAY not enough. When I go to a restaraunt, I am able to NOT COOK or CLEAN. These are big things to me. So, that’s why I over tip because I KNOW servers/waitresses get shit for pay.
10. The Hours
Waitresses/Servers work weird hours, not banker’s hours. And the schedule changes randomly. Seriously, employers don’t give a shit about their staff because they figure they’re so easy to replace. Ugh.
11. Representation
Most of the time if you work as a waitress/server, there is no recourse if you are harrassed, fired for no reason, or generally made to feel like crab. (Doubt me? Check out the movie “Office Space” and the whole “Flair” bullshit. Everything about being a server right there.) I like having some policies in place that can protect me even if it’s just a little.
12. Bussing Tables
Remember Ms. Clumsy? Clearing a table fast and efficiently is an art. It really is.
13. Mornings
Most of the “fine dining” places wouldn’t take me anyway (see all of the above) so any place I would work would require a morning shift. YUCK. It’s one thing to wake up at 4am to write. Totally different to wake up and SMILE. No. Just No.

So, I guess I’ll be grateful for the job I have. Even if I hate it most days. LOL!



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9 responses to “13 Reasons I Can’t Be A Waitress

  1. LOL! I’m with you on most of those!


    My TT is at

  2. Jen

    LOL! I was glad for the life experience, but I don’t think I’d go back.

  3. I only have one reason I can’t be a waitress. No one would hire me. *sigh*

    • Jen

      I think a good indication that I should stay away from waitressing is that every restaraunt I’ve worked in is out of business. LOL!

  4. I could never be a waitress. Working five yrs in fast food during HS and college was bad enough. Happy Pi(e) Day

  5. Ditto on everything! My Mom was a waitress when she was a teenager, and after listening to her horror stories, I’ve determined it’s not the job for me. LOL. Happy Thursday, Jen!

  6. arrrgh… now im hungry!

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