Been thinking about….

…where I come from.
First of all, thanks to Savannah Chase for posting this video for me.

I can’t tell you how much this song nailed some of my “stuff”.
When I was growing up, I was weird. I really was. I loved to sing. I loved to read. I knew the characters in “Dune” better than I knew my own family. I tried desperately to connect real life to the fantasy life I read in books. But they never matched. Books made sense. People didn’t.
And music was similar. Music made sense, had a message. When I hit high school, I finally began to discover the hidden talent for music that I had.
Now, let me tell you how I sabotaged myself.
Because I was “weird”, I got teased. A lot. I mean, that’s just the way it is. And then, in high school, if I wasn’t ridiculed, I was ignored. Pretty normal for someone like me.
But my Senior year, I was on my way. I had the full PUBLIC support of my music teacher who I respected. My parents were behind me.
Yet, part of me never felt a part of anything. When I arrived at College, I couldn’t fit in there either. Even the music department had “rules” and “cliques”. I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough and quit.
Yep. I QUIT. I let stuff that was said to me YEARS before college stop me from doing something I loved.
Since then, I’ve settled. Every job, every moment of schooling was only a shadow of what I’d dreamed. I settled in my first marriage. I settled in my career choice. I drifted into numbness.
It wasn’t until I finally discovered that I didn’t want to settle anymore that I left my first husband, remarried, had children and began to WRITE.
Music was no longer attainable. Too much time had gone by and too much of my talent had been squandered. But I could write. I could do what I’d done before I let the voices outside of me tell me I couldn’t do it.
I’ve written a lot of books and I wouldn’t call them “mainstream” in any way shape or form. They’re weird, for sure. The characters are the driving force behind the stories and I allow my imagination to flow.
I’ve found tons of people have contacted me from high school on Facebook.
And something began to happen. I discovered I didn’t need their approval anymore. I found I wasn’t ashamed of the things I’ve done.
Most of them don’t know my pen name or all the books I’ve written and frankly, I don’t care. I don’t need them to tell me they’re “proud of me”.
I like the books I’ve written and I’m happy I’ve become the writer I’ve become. Whether my old high school, my mother or anyone else approves, I’ve become a damn hard working writer.
And I’m happy. So, who’s laughing now? I totally am.

“Who’s Laughing Now”

Mummy they call me names
They wouldn’t let me play
I’d run home, sit and cry almost everyday
‘Hey Jessica, you look like an alien
With green skin you don’t fit in this playpen’
Well they pull my hair
They took away my chair
I keep it in and pretend that I didn’t care
‘Hey Jessica, you’re so funny
You’ve got teeth just like Bugs bunny’

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you drag my spirit down
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising
Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now

Cos I’m in L.A
You think I’ve made my fame
If it makes us friends
When you only really know my name
‘Oh Jessie, we knew you could make it
I’ve got a track and I’d love you to take it’
So now because I’m signed
You think my pockets lined
4 years now and I’m still waiting in the line
‘Oh Jessie, I saw you on youtube
I tagged old photos from when we was at school’

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you drag my spirit down
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising
Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now

Jessie
She broke out of the box
Swallowed your prideqw
You got that ego cough
Let the haters hate
You’re like way too late
See I got a message from you
‘Hola, I’m proud of you’
‘Oh my god babe your voice is like wow!’
My reply: Who’s laughing now

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you drag my spirit down
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising
Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now

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