Sometimes, the only person who torments me is…me.

It’s getting close to the holidays and almost a year since I lost a close friend in a OpenMouthInsertFoot accident. Christmas was pretty grim last year and the hurt from that rejection, that “I’d love you if only you weren’t such an asshole” moment still gets me on occasion. I think it’s safe to say, after all this time, that this person has no intention of renewing our friendship. What I thought was a “break” was really just another person shaking the dust off and splitting.
So why was I rereading the damn email that put the kabosh on that relationship today? I don’t know. Maybe I was looking for something, anything, that I had done that justified the complete censure and then, cold rejection. Maybe I was looking for something, anything, I could change, twist myself into a pretzel so that I wouldn’t lose this person completely.
The sad and pathetic part is that I still really miss that person. Yet, I wouldn’t want the kind of friendship offered where I had to be ultra cautious and walk on eggshells. I can have that anytime with my mother. So, maybe God knows what I need better than I do. As usual. Maybe, I’m supposed to be who I am, hopefully a little less of a jerk and hopefully a little more aware of my own shortcomings.
Ultimately, I have to accept that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. What may have happened here is that I never really was this person’s cuppa. But circumstances and “things” threw us together. What I thought was compatibility was really just gritted teeth and bare tolerance. Not a nice thought to have.
On a positive note, it has forced me to watch my actions, my language, my tone when I deal with others. I can accept this. Even today. Even when I reread the things said and wonder what I could have done differently. Even when I can’t think of anything I could have done at all.
It truly sucks because the gritted teeth were all on one side. I didn’t feel that way at all. That’s the way it works sometimes.
Funny. One thing I did get from this is a tolerance for The Cub Scout Bitch. I realized that she really had absolutely no idea that she hurt me, or irritated me, or was rude. I’ve accepted who she is and, guess what? I’ve grown to really like her. A lot. I consider her a friend and believe me, last year? That was laughable.
So, I see something really awesome has grown out of something really hurtful. As it always does.

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1 Comment

Filed under Being Philisophical, Life Stuff

One response to “Sometimes, the only person who torments me is…me.

  1. It’s got to be a good thing that you’ve been able to find some part of a silver lining to all of this.

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