Change Is Inevitable…And Painful.

When this job became available (part time at first, filling in for the current secretary), I resisted it strongly. I saw the Redneck’s pressure to take it as a vote of “no confidence” in my writing and my ability to earn as an author. I even believed he’d back off when I started to make some money.
No such luck.
So when the secretary retired April 30th, I had interviewed and gotten the job as her replacement. Part of the reason I’ve gone through with it is because I’ve come to really care about what happens in that office. Another reason is to give the Redneck the ability to take time off to get the bariatric surgery the doctor wanted him to have five years ago.
But I resent it.
For the last two weeks I’ve watched my writing go from a daily exercise to less than nothing. I’ve struggled to get my edits done. I’ve had every shiny idea I have squashed by the daily grind of a eight hour day and a forty minute commute.
A day job wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t that everything else at home is still the same. I’m still getting the groceries. I’m still doing all the laundry. I’m still the only one who takes care of shit around the house. And though the Redneck has agreed to cook, the state of the household has made him take shortcuts. Out to eat, pizza and stuff like that are taking a chunk out of our budget. The budget I’m still responsible for making work.
Now, we’ve got the Brother-in-law-I-can’t-stand trying to move in his new ready made family. (He met some woman with a very rude little three year old. I am unable to feel anything but revulsion for them all.) And NMK’s mom is still creating drama where ever possible. The alcoholic boyfriend she swore she was done with was back in the picture as of three weeks ago. He was actually sober and in a sober house. Until she got her hooks back in him and now, he’s not.
Long story short? Every time I try to write, it seems like there’s a conspiracy against me.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew the Evil Day Job would change everything. And it has. I’m starting to wonder if I really can do it all.
Writing has been my joy, my obsession, my release. Now? It seems distant and unattainable. I thought…I hoped…I’d be able to make the transition smoothly. Not so much.
So if I’m scarce here and less happy-go-lucky, that’s why. Or maybe I just need something to bitch about. LOL!
Meanwhile, this song is in my ears and in my head.



Filed under Evil Day Job, My Music Obsession, My YouTube Obessession, Writing

11 responses to “Change Is Inevitable…And Painful.

  1. (((hugs)))

    I hate seeing you go through what I’ve been dealing with for a few years now. It’s tough when life sucks the creativity out of you. I’ve had to shut my writing down for quite some time while I deal with my current situation and believe me its no fun.

    I hope you deal with your situation better than I have mine. I have a very hard time calling myself a writer these days.

  2. Jen

    *hugs back*
    RJ I know it feels like you’re not a writer. But I’m going to stand up and say we are. We have the dream. We make the effort. But life always takes a chunk out of creativity.

  3. Sue

    *hugs hon* You know I’m here, right? I’ve always got time for you…if I have remembered my phone that day LOL But I’m always around my email.

    • Jen

      That’s taken the biggest hit, Toni Sue. My time online is so limited now. At work? Forget it. I can only do it on lunch or short breaks. Last time I checked my Google reader I had over a hundred blog posts. I read them all though. LOL!!!

  4. Kym

    My heart aches for you. Writing is a full time job but I frequently look at what time I put in and how much I got paid and ask myself if maybe I shouldn’t work as a housecleaner or something more monetarily productive.

    Keep writing when you can. You can do this.

    Hugs and sending you my belief.

    • Jen

      Thanks Kym. I get so much more out of the writing than money. I’m actually making much more right now, but I really miss that creative spark, that drive, that gets a book going.
      I’ve been told that I’ll get used to the job and be able to get into a better routine.
      I sure hope so.

  5. Sandi

    *BIG HUGS* Things will get better in time – at least that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s so hard to put the work we love on a back burner so the work we loathe can pay the bills.

  6. Sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I am rooting for you. Keep hanging in there and looking for the bright spots.

    Then kick some ass.

  7. sugarbaby…
    one day i hope you write YOUR story….

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