Nobody Speaks The Truth On The Internet According To Google

Okay. Just a warning. This post will be an honest expose of some of my passing thoughts that I do NOT allow much time in my head, so please don’t worry.
I opened my mail this morning. Past Due bill, bounced check notice (shit, I didn’t think any of them got returned damnit) a pathetic royalty check, and more bills. Now, last week was HELL with everything going wrong that could go wrong. I started smoking a pack a day (after being off cigarettes for three years) and off my diet. My allergies kicked in and the Redneck went from 0 to Dickhead in about ten seconds. Let’s just say that since the first of the year, I’ve been fighting EVERYTHING!!! Including my own brain.
Now, it’s a known fact that my brain is out to kill me. I accept this. I recognize that it entertains thoughts that would worry my family and friends. My music that I listen to is a reflection of this muck and mire that I expunge through my writing.
But I always believed I wasn’t the only one who spiraled into despair at the smallest provocation and had to dig back out. Imagine my shock when I googled “Putting a bullet in my brain is sounding really good right now” and got….nothing. So, we don’t admit this on the internet? We don’t tell the truth? That sometimes it just pops into our brains and we fight to kick it out? Seriously?
And here I thought the internet was the bastion of freedom and honesty. (stop laughing)!
Look, the truth is that a lot of people have “thoughts”. No, I don’t sit there and dwell on it. That would be fucking dangerous for me. But thoughts go by and I make a conscious decision not to throw parties for it. What shocks me is that there’s no other post, no other confession on the internet that pops up when I google it.
I believe that bringing that shit out into the light can take away its power. In my dark, dank mind, it grows and festers. But I know that most people aren’t comfortable, get worried, when I share the thoughts that come and go.
Writing is one form of my therapy out of it. My characters often feel that their death would serve a higher purpose than their life. And I usually prove them wrong. Just like I KNOW that’s not true for me.
But shit, it would be nice to know I’m not the only one who goes there on occasion, who acknowledges that dark part of me and then shines a bright light on it to reveal it as only a passing moment.
The one thing that depression, addiction and loneliness breeds is…you guessed it….depression, addiction and loneliness. I choose to recognize the cycle and take a right turn, go at an obtuse angle, and kick it in the balls. But if I never look at it, or say it, or SEE it, then round and round I go.
So, speak the truth people. I know I’m not the only one out there. Give Google something to work with.

5 Comments

Filed under Being Philisophical, Whatever category

5 responses to “Nobody Speaks The Truth On The Internet According To Google

  1. You are not alone. Depression and times of self destruction are very common. We are go through these times but we tend not to talk about it. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve spoken to have admitted to this. Not the part of putting a bullet in their brain but depression. People don’t understand how common it is and more in writers since we live such a lonely life at times, and for long periods. Depression and all these kinds of things are looked down on and people don’t want to talk about it. You know that if you ever feel like crap and wanna vent you can email or call me. Sometimes venting can take a bit of the load off.

    • Jen

      You bet, Savannah. I swear, I am an EXPERT at putting on the happy face. That shit don’t fly with my friends Thank God. You’re awesome.

      • It is good that you have people there for you who will see through the happy face when it is not really what you feel. So many people out there just don’t have that.

  2. Honey, our brains could be college roomies. You know that, right? All I can do is raise a glass and say, “Here’s to expunging all of our demons, pain, and angst onto the page instead of letting it fester in our minds!” Love ya, hon.

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